It was a beautiful warm Saturday morning in early December and I went out to feed the herd as usual. My sister and I were talking about putting some Christmas lights up or perhaps skipping that to ride since it was such a nice warm day , but none of that happened. I went about throwing the horses their hay and found myself feeling really dizzy. I thought it was just stress or maybe the effects of a long busy summer and fall of instructing/training catching up to me , but when I passed out right their in front of the stalls I had feeling it was more than that. To make a long story short I ended up taking a ambulance ride to the hospital (in typically horsewoman form I was worried about the Paramedics not letting the horses out and if they would be sure to shut the gate ) and ended up being there for five days.
I 'm told I was very lucky that I didn't just drop over dead that morning from those clots. I was also lucky the medication they gave me dissolved the clots, thank goodness and in few days I was released and got to go home. They sent me home with a prescription for Xarelto a blood thinning medication, but I was going home and that was all I could focus on at that moment.
They had given me all the warning about the medication at the hospital (all of which I had heard on the commercial), but all I could think about was I was going home. It was not until several days after I was out of the hospital that it sank in what they had said to me about riding my horses or even being around them while on that medication. " I wouldn't advise it. You will have to weigh the risk," they had said to me about riding horses. One Doctor said " they are big unpredictable animals and if you sustained a head injury while on the blood thinners that could be catastrophic " I started to really panic. I couldn't give up horses they were my passion, my happiness and on some level my life. I'm a riding instructor, trainer and free-lance equine writer , no giving up horses couldn't happen what would I do with the rest of my life.
Between the warnings from the doctor and memory of what happened that morning at the barn I found myself for the first time ever in my life not wanting to go out to the barn. I couldn't believe it the barn had always been my sanctuary the place I was most happy, but now I was dreading it and that was devastating to me. It took ever fiber of my being to go out to the barn a few days after I was out of the hospital and I found myself shaking like a leaf. It would be several more days before I felt physically like going out to help my sister feed the horses. I found myself being nervous and uncomfortable in place that I had always loved to be. I would have flash backs of that morning waking up on the ground to the sound of my sister and mom both screaming along with the sound of a siren. I 'd start shaking as I approached the gate to go into the barn area and I could see that ambulance sitting there outside the gate in my mind's eye. It wasn't easy for my sister or mom either of course, but gradually it has become a little easier for us all. If I feel a little panicked I just start talking to one of the horses and the panic subsides. It's still hard for me at times, but damn it I'm going to get over it because I want the barn to be "my happy place" again.
Another obstacle I had to get over was my fear of handling the horses. One morning I just decide to grab a halter and catch my mare Mel to groom her. I couldn't believe how nervous I was. My hand shook as I buckled her the halter. " Good grief you help woman who have issues with their horses get back their confidence to ride again and you are afraid to halter your own horse," I said to myself as started grooming Mel. I have just kept handling my horses from the ground and trusting they wouldn't hurt me, because they never had. Finally a few days after Christmas when my sister's Paso Fino gelding Al was not cooperating I found my inner horsewoman again and told him firmly " You are going to stand still while I brush the mud off you like you always have, do you understand me," and Al dropped his head and stood still. That was my break through moment and now even though I maybe a little more careful around my horses I am back to feeling more like my old self again.
Stay tuned for the next huge obstacle I have to get over .That would be getting back in the saddle. I will of course wear my riding helmet and as I have always done I will be careful. I have never been one to stay on horse if there was a problem. I have always told my students " climb down and live to fight another day there is no shame in that," and I have always lived by that rule. All I know is I can't give up riding it's my therapy and I can't give horses up because they are my heart and soul.
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